SPEED DATINGSPEED DATING
By Andrew Gold DANIEL- A girl looking for romance, twenty to thirty years old EDWARD- Starts every sentence with “so there I was” PHILIP- A little too presuming TONOTHAN- incredibly awkward GREGORY-An interesting normal guy, with a secret... (four tables are set across stage, all with women sitting at them, all other women are dimmed while the main light is on Daniel) DANIEL Guess it’s time to see if this whole speed dating thing works (bell ring and the four guys walk out, each walk to a table, Edward sits with Daniel) DANIEL Oh hi there, I’m Daniel, so where do you.... EDWARD SO THERE I WAS...knees deep in the amazon desert DANIEL The amazon desert? EDWARD So there I was, Rudely interrupted by my “date” already off to a rough start DANIEL Oh, I’m sorry.. EDWARD So there I was, STILL TALKING, so there I was knees deep in the amazon desert, terrorists with trained jungle cats everywhere, I had nothing but my one hand DANIEL But you have two hands EDWARD So there I was, interrupted again (bell rings, guys rotate, Philip sits with Daniel) DANIEL Hi I’m Daniel, nice to meet you there PHILIP Hi, Philip, I’m glad you accepted to go on this date with me DANIEL Well...It is speed dating PHILIP And I just can’t wait until we get married DANIEL What? PHILIP And I was thinking of having 3 boys, Frederick, Benjamin, and Theodore, and 2 girls, Matilda, and Madaline, and then two fraternal twins of course. DANIEL There was so much wrong in that sentence PHILIP And of course a country house and once the kids head off to college we’ll move to Mankota and then move into a retirement home DANIEL Listen... PHILIP Oh and I already ordered a lover’s casket DANIEL Oh god (bell rings guys rotate, Phonothan sits with Daniel) PHONOTHAN Hi, there, hot stuff, I’m Phonothan DANIEL Jonothan? PHONOTHAN No, Phonothan DANIEL Tonothan? PHONOTHAN No Phonothan, with a P, like pterodactyl DANIEL So, Tonothan? PHONOTHAN What? No, pterodactyl, p-t-e-r-o-d-a-c-t-y-l DANIEL Okay...so, Phonothan, what do you do? PHONOTHAN Stuff DANIEL Like? PHONOTHAN Job stuff, and things DANIEL Specifics, phonothan, What is your job stuff PHONOTHAN Well I’m a self employed video game tester DANIEL So you play video games? PHONOTHAN And complain about them, like what’s up with the occasional lag in fallout 4, it lags for like 30 seconds once a week, ruins the whole game DANIEL How is that even a job? (bell rings and guys rotate Gregory sits at Daniel’s Table) DANIEL Listen if you’re weird in any way just say so now, because I’ve had it up to here with the men here, so do you start every sentence with “so there I was” because if you do please leave GREGORY Oh, um sorry, I do still have my wisdom teeth, is that too weird for you? DANIEL Oh my god, I’m so sorry, this whole thing has been rough, hi I’m Daniel GREGORY Hi, Gregory, nice to meet you DANIEL So, um, what do you do? GREGORY I’m a physical therapist at providence, I help people get back on their feet, and You? DANIEL Oh, that’s nice, I’m a pharmacist, so what are your hobbies? GREGORY Oh I love rock climbing DANIEL No way, I do to! GREGORY I can’t do this, I’m so sorry DANIEL What? Why? I thought we were hitting off really well GREGORY I’m sorry (stands up) Listen everyone I’m sorry to say this, but I’m married, I just can’t keep lying to all of you DANIEL You’re married?! GREGORY Yes, I’m so sorry I fooled all of you EDWARD So there I was, applauding this guy for honesty! (everyone but Daniel starts applauding Gregory) DANIEL Why are you guys applauding him? He’s trying to cheat on his wife! GREGORY Oh, thank all of you, except you Daniel, you’re kinda a jerk PHILIP Yeah Daniel, I’m gonna have to call of the wedding, I didn’t realize you were so negative PHONOTHAN Yeah she even put down my gaming career EDWARD So there I was, booing Daniel for putting all of us down DANIEL Oh forget this, I’m using match (she exits, blackout) |
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