The Double Date
By Andrew Gold and Kelsey Cohen
BRYAN
MOLLY
TODD
AMANDA
JANE
MANAGER
(In a restaurant. MOLLY and BRYAN sit at a table for four, seated across from each other)
BRYAN
(awkwardly) Well when I agreed to this double date, I kind of expected our dates to show up.
MOLLY
Yeah… (sips water)
BRYAN
So, uh, do you like books?
MOLLY
Did you just ask if I like books?
BRYAN
(sips water) The water is great here (beat) and the ice count is impeccable.
MOLLY
(sarcastic) Yup, it’s great. Unbelievable.
BRYAN
So, how do you feel about the state of the Union?
(Todd enters and sits down next to Molly)
TODD
Hey guys sorry I’m late, traffic is just awful
MOLLY
That’s okay, just glad you made it. Bryan, I hope Amanda gets here soon, I know you’ll love her.
BRYAN
She sounds wonderful. I can’t wait to meet her.
MOLLY
Oh there she is now (waves) Amanda, over here!
(Amanda waves, then crosses to the table next to Bryan)
AMANDA
Hey guys sorry I’m late, the traffic is just awful
MOLLY
Oh funny, Todd said the same thing
AMANDA
Todd? (locks eye contact with Todd)
TODD
Amanda.
AMANDA
Todd.
BRYAN
You two know each other?
AMANDA
Sadly
TODD
So Molly, I see Amanda has failed to mention she knew me
MOLLY
Um, yeah she hasn’t said anything about you.
TODD
Typical.
AMANDA
You know why I can’t do that.
(Jane enters)
JANE
Hello everybody welcome to Caribou’s Fang, sorry about the three hour wait, may I take your order?
TODD
Yes I’d like a large order of brat, with a side of backstabber, oh wait I have that right in front of me.
AMANDA
Oh yeah Todd? Well I’d like a small order of man with a side of preppy, pessimistic, and narcissistic.
BRYAN
Um, I’d like a steak, medium rare please.
AMANDA
No one asked you Bryan Moser, and a Health degree is hardly anything!
BRYAN
How do you know that?
TODD
Because she’s a parasite, that takes all your information and money, and then stabs you in the back, or more like shoots you in the back!
(Amanda and Todd push away from the table and stand up while taking out guns)
AMANDA
How are you even still alive Todd?
TODD
I guess I could say you’re a terrible shot.
AMANDA
How did you even find me?
TODD
I guess they figured a dead man wouldn’t access the CIA records, and if you’re such a great CIA agent how did you end up with this paper bag?
BRYAN
Excuse me?
AMANDA
Shut up, Todd.
MOLLY
What the heck is going on here?
JANE
Okay… That’s enough. I’m going to have to call the cops.
TODD
No no you just stay here. Now let me tell you kids a little story.
AMANDA
Can’t wait for this. He’ll probably steal the show with this one
TODD
So there I was
AMANDA
Cue spotlight. Roll fog.
TODD
Quiet, you. So there we were, Amanda and I, fighting off terrorists with trained jungle cats in Brazil-
MOLLY
Wait wait wait, they had trained jungle cats, or did you have the trained jungle cats? And who even trained the jungle cats?
TODD
Excuse me I am telling a story (beat) So we were pinned down, I knew there was no fighting them off, no way to complete the mission, so I went to escape, and my partner on the mission decided that that was just the worst thing ever and shoots me in the back.
BRYAN
Who was your partner?
AMANDA
Me.
TODD
Weren’t you paying attention?
MOLLY
(whispers) Bryan, you’re embarrassing me.
AMANDA
Todd, that’s not how it happened. You were disobeying orders and betraying our country. I had no choice.
BRYAN
Listen guys, this must have been years ago. Can’t you let this go?
TODD
This happened last Thursday.
BRYAN
Wow! I mean what are the odds you ended up on the same date?!
JANE
Listen can I just...
AMANDA
Shut up, you lowly table waitress. I’m going to end this once and for all.
(Amanda draws her weapon, Todd disarms her, they fight)
BRYAN
Excuse me, guys. I’ve been waiting on that steak for a while now, should we just go.(Amanda and Todd point their weapons at Bryan)
AMANDA
Excuse me, stick bug? You’re staying here
MANAGER
(turns towards group) Hello I’m the manager. You are all being very rude and loud and ugly and proud.If you don’t quiet down I’ll have to ask you to leave
TODD
So sorry sir (Amanda and Todd sit)
MOLLY
Amanda, We’ve lived in the same apartment for 5 years, why did you never tell me you were in the CIA
AMANDA
Um, because I’m a spy, kinda secret, you know, classified stuff
TODD
Shooting your partner in the back type stuff, is that in the job description too?
AMANDA
You were going AWOL I had no choice
TODD
Yes you did! You could have not shot me in the back.
BRYAN
I just think everyone has a choice.
TODD
Wow Amanda you ended up with a real winner.
AMANDA
Better than you.
TODD
You know what I’m done with this, Molly here is my number, I had a great time and would love to do this again sometime
BRYAN
So uh, Amanda, do you like books?
(Blackout)
By Andrew Gold and Kelsey Cohen
BRYAN
MOLLY
TODD
AMANDA
JANE
MANAGER
(In a restaurant. MOLLY and BRYAN sit at a table for four, seated across from each other)
BRYAN
(awkwardly) Well when I agreed to this double date, I kind of expected our dates to show up.
MOLLY
Yeah… (sips water)
BRYAN
So, uh, do you like books?
MOLLY
Did you just ask if I like books?
BRYAN
(sips water) The water is great here (beat) and the ice count is impeccable.
MOLLY
(sarcastic) Yup, it’s great. Unbelievable.
BRYAN
So, how do you feel about the state of the Union?
(Todd enters and sits down next to Molly)
TODD
Hey guys sorry I’m late, traffic is just awful
MOLLY
That’s okay, just glad you made it. Bryan, I hope Amanda gets here soon, I know you’ll love her.
BRYAN
She sounds wonderful. I can’t wait to meet her.
MOLLY
Oh there she is now (waves) Amanda, over here!
(Amanda waves, then crosses to the table next to Bryan)
AMANDA
Hey guys sorry I’m late, the traffic is just awful
MOLLY
Oh funny, Todd said the same thing
AMANDA
Todd? (locks eye contact with Todd)
TODD
Amanda.
AMANDA
Todd.
BRYAN
You two know each other?
AMANDA
Sadly
TODD
So Molly, I see Amanda has failed to mention she knew me
MOLLY
Um, yeah she hasn’t said anything about you.
TODD
Typical.
AMANDA
You know why I can’t do that.
(Jane enters)
JANE
Hello everybody welcome to Caribou’s Fang, sorry about the three hour wait, may I take your order?
TODD
Yes I’d like a large order of brat, with a side of backstabber, oh wait I have that right in front of me.
AMANDA
Oh yeah Todd? Well I’d like a small order of man with a side of preppy, pessimistic, and narcissistic.
BRYAN
Um, I’d like a steak, medium rare please.
AMANDA
No one asked you Bryan Moser, and a Health degree is hardly anything!
BRYAN
How do you know that?
TODD
Because she’s a parasite, that takes all your information and money, and then stabs you in the back, or more like shoots you in the back!
(Amanda and Todd push away from the table and stand up while taking out guns)
AMANDA
How are you even still alive Todd?
TODD
I guess I could say you’re a terrible shot.
AMANDA
How did you even find me?
TODD
I guess they figured a dead man wouldn’t access the CIA records, and if you’re such a great CIA agent how did you end up with this paper bag?
BRYAN
Excuse me?
AMANDA
Shut up, Todd.
MOLLY
What the heck is going on here?
JANE
Okay… That’s enough. I’m going to have to call the cops.
TODD
No no you just stay here. Now let me tell you kids a little story.
AMANDA
Can’t wait for this. He’ll probably steal the show with this one
TODD
So there I was
AMANDA
Cue spotlight. Roll fog.
TODD
Quiet, you. So there we were, Amanda and I, fighting off terrorists with trained jungle cats in Brazil-
MOLLY
Wait wait wait, they had trained jungle cats, or did you have the trained jungle cats? And who even trained the jungle cats?
TODD
Excuse me I am telling a story (beat) So we were pinned down, I knew there was no fighting them off, no way to complete the mission, so I went to escape, and my partner on the mission decided that that was just the worst thing ever and shoots me in the back.
BRYAN
Who was your partner?
AMANDA
Me.
TODD
Weren’t you paying attention?
MOLLY
(whispers) Bryan, you’re embarrassing me.
AMANDA
Todd, that’s not how it happened. You were disobeying orders and betraying our country. I had no choice.
BRYAN
Listen guys, this must have been years ago. Can’t you let this go?
TODD
This happened last Thursday.
BRYAN
Wow! I mean what are the odds you ended up on the same date?!
JANE
Listen can I just...
AMANDA
Shut up, you lowly table waitress. I’m going to end this once and for all.
(Amanda draws her weapon, Todd disarms her, they fight)
BRYAN
Excuse me, guys. I’ve been waiting on that steak for a while now, should we just go.(Amanda and Todd point their weapons at Bryan)
AMANDA
Excuse me, stick bug? You’re staying here
MANAGER
(turns towards group) Hello I’m the manager. You are all being very rude and loud and ugly and proud.If you don’t quiet down I’ll have to ask you to leave
TODD
So sorry sir (Amanda and Todd sit)
MOLLY
Amanda, We’ve lived in the same apartment for 5 years, why did you never tell me you were in the CIA
AMANDA
Um, because I’m a spy, kinda secret, you know, classified stuff
TODD
Shooting your partner in the back type stuff, is that in the job description too?
AMANDA
You were going AWOL I had no choice
TODD
Yes you did! You could have not shot me in the back.
BRYAN
I just think everyone has a choice.
TODD
Wow Amanda you ended up with a real winner.
AMANDA
Better than you.
TODD
You know what I’m done with this, Molly here is my number, I had a great time and would love to do this again sometime
BRYAN
So uh, Amanda, do you like books?
(Blackout)