Zombies
by Andrew Gold
JOSH - a very serious person, the only person who reacts realistically to the zombie apocalypse
CHRIS - a very self-conscious person
JAMES- get easily scared and reacts horribly to being scared
CANNAN - has terrible aim, and only seems to worry about how people pronounce his name
ALEX- Alex is very obsessed with his phone, and social networking
ZOMBIE GIRL - Chris has a crush on her, even though she is now a ZOMBIE.
ZOMBIES - Dozens of walking dead, out to destroy the earth.
Description - Best friends Josh and Chris are trying to survive the zombie apocalypse but run into bigger worries than just zombies.
(5 zombies are wandering center left, JOSH and CHRIS enter stage right and then stop and hide from the zombies. JOSH carries a gun. CHRIS holds a bat. JOSH holds up his hand, signaling to stop, and then signals to continue.)
CHRIS
Hey, uh Josh, I was actually wondering if I could do the hand signals this time.
(JOSH puts his finger over his mouth to shush Chris)
It’s just, you get to do the hand signals all the time, and I think it should be my turn to do them.
JOSH
Stop talking. There are zombies right over there.
CHRIS
That’s why you should stop talking and let me do the hand signals.
JOSH
Fine, you do the hand signals.
CHRIS
Yes! Alright, here we go!
(Chris does a series of random hand signals, including hand puppets and snapping)
JOSH
What’s that supposed to mean?
CHRIS
I didn’t want to copy you, so I made some up! I’m sorry, ok?!
(The ZOMBIES overhear them and start walking towards JOSH and CHRIS.)
JOSH
Dang it, Chris. Why’d you yell? Now the zombies know where we are.
CHRIS
Oh, so now everything is my fault.
JOSH
Just help kill these zombies!
CHRIS
I don’t know, Josh. I might mess this up, you know, because I mess up everything.
JOSH
Are you kidding me?
(JOSH pulls out his gun and shoots the zombies, one by one. CHRIS stands by, watching. JOSH gestures to CHRIS. CHRIS follows JOSH, leaving the baseball bat behind.)
CHRIS
I messed up again, didn’t I?
JOSH
Technically, yes. You did.
CHRIS
Oh really? And how did I mess it up, Josh?
JOSH
You yelled, and gave away our hiding spot.
CHRIS
You don’t even hold my hand in public anymore.
(ALEX enters. She is on her phone.)
JOSH
We never held hands!
CHRIS
Exactly. You do the math.
(ALEX bumps into Josh)
ALEX
Sorry. (ALEX keeps walking.)
JOSH
No problem. Wait a minute. You’re a survivor!
ALEX
Well duh, zombies are too mainstream.
JOSH
What are you talking about?
ALEX
Listen, I’m trying to go twitter famous and you’re ruining my vibe here.
(JAMES enters SR, sees the three talking and hides)
JOSH
Do you even know what’s happening?
CHRIS
Hey I think I left my baseball bat over where we were hiding. I’m gonna go get it. (He starts heading to where James is hiding.)
JOSH
OK, (to Alex) you do know there’s a zombie apocalypse right?
ALEX
That’s just a rumor.
(CHRIS crosses near JAMES. JAMES, startled, screams and shoots CHRIS In the leg. CHRIS falls to the ground, holding his leg)
CHRIS
Ow, ow, ow, owwwwww, owwww, ow, ow, owwwwww, ow, ow, ow!!!!
JAMES
Come on, man. Don’t scare me like that. Not cool.
CHRIS
You shot me!
JOSH
(Rushing to rescue CHRIS) Put your hands up!
JAMES
(To Chris) Are you gonna put your hands up?
JOSH
(To James) I’m talking to you.
JAMES
He’s the guy who goes around scaring people!
JOSH
You shot him!
CHRIS
Hey, don’t mind me, just sitting here with a gunshot wound.
ALEX
Hold on! I’m searching gunshot wound on WebMD.
JOSH
I thought that was for colds.
ALEX
Same thing.
CHRIS
What’s it say?
ALEX
I’m sorry, but it says you have cancer.
CHRIS
Why me?
JOSH
That’s obviously not..
(CANNAN enters, with a gun pointed at all of them.)
CANNAN
Hands up!
JOSH
Ah crap.
(They all put their hands up)
CANNAN
Now listen, I’m Cannan, and I’m in charge now.
CHRIS
Wait, I’m sorry. Your name is Caden?
CANNAN
No, it’s Cannan.
JAMES
Yeah, Caden.
CANNAN
Cannan.
ALEX
Catan?
JAMES
No, I think it’s Cannon.
JOSH
That’s way off. It’s Cannuun.
CHRIS
Catlyn?
CANNAN
Cannan!
JOSH
Cannon.
CANNAN
It has three Ns.
CHRIS
Nanan?
(3 zombies enter. James sees them and begins backing away, but Alex is on his phone and doesn’t notice.)
CANNAN
Zombies!
ALEX
Hold on. Let me finish this text.
(The ZOMBIES grab Alex SR as another zombie enters from SL. They begin to attack and eat ALEX.)
ALEX
(On her phone) Hashtag being eaten, hashtag not a fan, hashtag dead life, selfie!
(The ZOMBIES stop eating ALEX to smile for the picture then pull Alex off-stage right.)
(CANNON crosses to shoot the ZOMBIE that has entered stage left, heading toward the group.)
CANNAN
Keep your hands up! I’ll take care of this zombie!
JOSH
You have to shoot it in the head! (Cannan shoots the zombie in the shoulder.) Not the shoulder, the head! (Cannan shoots the zombie in the leg.) The head! (Cannan shoots the zombie in the chest.) Are you even aiming for the head? (Cannan starts shooting rapidly but all of the shots miss the head and after every shot Josh says “The head!”)
Cannan
I’m almost out of ammo!
JOSH
Give me the gun! (Josh grabs the gun, but Cannan won’t let go.) Come on, let go, let go! LET IT GO!!!
CHRIS AND JAMES
(Singing) Let it go! Let it go!
JOSH
Shut up!
(The shot-up zombie begins dragging Cannan off-stage left. Cannan drops the gun.)
CHRIS
Bye, Caden.
CANNAN
It’s Cannan!
(ZOMBIES enter from all directions, surrounding the survivors. JAMES picks up his gun, backing away from the ZOMBIES, but trips over Chris, is startled, shooting him in the other leg.)
CHRIS
Ow! Out of all the people you could shoot!
JAMES
I’m sorry!
(JAMES, CHRIS and JOSH are surrounded by the ZOMBIES.)
CHRIS
Well at least we’re dying together.
JAMES
No! There has to be a way out of this!
CHRIS
Give me your guns. I’ll hold them off. I can’t walk anyways!
JAMES
Wonder how that happened?
JOSH
Ok, let’s go before the zombies catch us. We’ve got to get out of here! (points to ZOMBIE GIRL) Hey look, Chris! Isn’t that Debbie, the girl you liked?
CHRIS
Oh no! She can’t see me like this! (brings hand toward mouth as though talking into a spy watch) RED FLAG, RED FLAG, ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! TAKE ME WITH YOU!
JOSH
What happened to all that ultimate sacrifice crap?
CHRIS
She’s really cute!
JOSH
She’s a zombie!
CHRIS
Still cute though.
JAMES
Josh, let’s just drag him. These zombies are really slow.
JOSH
We’re leaving!
CHRIS
No, you’re not. (Shoots James in the leg. James screams.)
JAMES
Why did you shoot me?! I was gonna save you!
JOSH
It’s because bros don’t shoot bros.
JAMES
Now all the zombies are tripping. It makes me wonder how all these people were even bitten.
JOSH
I’m leaving!
CHRIS
No, you’re not. (ZOMBIE GIRL tries to bite him. He holds her off with his arms.) Help me!
JOSH
Sorry you’re on your own.
JAMES
No you don’t! (grabs the gun and shoots Josh in the leg.)
CHRIS
Josh, I can’t believe you’re gonna leave me.
JOSH
Just let it go.
(JAMES and CHRIS begin singing LET IT GO as the ZOMBIES grab Chris and James. As the ZOMBIES begin eating them they both let out a long and blood curdling scream. Lights fade to black as the ZOMBIES begin to sing LET IT GO)
by Andrew Gold
JOSH - a very serious person, the only person who reacts realistically to the zombie apocalypse
CHRIS - a very self-conscious person
JAMES- get easily scared and reacts horribly to being scared
CANNAN - has terrible aim, and only seems to worry about how people pronounce his name
ALEX- Alex is very obsessed with his phone, and social networking
ZOMBIE GIRL - Chris has a crush on her, even though she is now a ZOMBIE.
ZOMBIES - Dozens of walking dead, out to destroy the earth.
Description - Best friends Josh and Chris are trying to survive the zombie apocalypse but run into bigger worries than just zombies.
(5 zombies are wandering center left, JOSH and CHRIS enter stage right and then stop and hide from the zombies. JOSH carries a gun. CHRIS holds a bat. JOSH holds up his hand, signaling to stop, and then signals to continue.)
CHRIS
Hey, uh Josh, I was actually wondering if I could do the hand signals this time.
(JOSH puts his finger over his mouth to shush Chris)
It’s just, you get to do the hand signals all the time, and I think it should be my turn to do them.
JOSH
Stop talking. There are zombies right over there.
CHRIS
That’s why you should stop talking and let me do the hand signals.
JOSH
Fine, you do the hand signals.
CHRIS
Yes! Alright, here we go!
(Chris does a series of random hand signals, including hand puppets and snapping)
JOSH
What’s that supposed to mean?
CHRIS
I didn’t want to copy you, so I made some up! I’m sorry, ok?!
(The ZOMBIES overhear them and start walking towards JOSH and CHRIS.)
JOSH
Dang it, Chris. Why’d you yell? Now the zombies know where we are.
CHRIS
Oh, so now everything is my fault.
JOSH
Just help kill these zombies!
CHRIS
I don’t know, Josh. I might mess this up, you know, because I mess up everything.
JOSH
Are you kidding me?
(JOSH pulls out his gun and shoots the zombies, one by one. CHRIS stands by, watching. JOSH gestures to CHRIS. CHRIS follows JOSH, leaving the baseball bat behind.)
CHRIS
I messed up again, didn’t I?
JOSH
Technically, yes. You did.
CHRIS
Oh really? And how did I mess it up, Josh?
JOSH
You yelled, and gave away our hiding spot.
CHRIS
You don’t even hold my hand in public anymore.
(ALEX enters. She is on her phone.)
JOSH
We never held hands!
CHRIS
Exactly. You do the math.
(ALEX bumps into Josh)
ALEX
Sorry. (ALEX keeps walking.)
JOSH
No problem. Wait a minute. You’re a survivor!
ALEX
Well duh, zombies are too mainstream.
JOSH
What are you talking about?
ALEX
Listen, I’m trying to go twitter famous and you’re ruining my vibe here.
(JAMES enters SR, sees the three talking and hides)
JOSH
Do you even know what’s happening?
CHRIS
Hey I think I left my baseball bat over where we were hiding. I’m gonna go get it. (He starts heading to where James is hiding.)
JOSH
OK, (to Alex) you do know there’s a zombie apocalypse right?
ALEX
That’s just a rumor.
(CHRIS crosses near JAMES. JAMES, startled, screams and shoots CHRIS In the leg. CHRIS falls to the ground, holding his leg)
CHRIS
Ow, ow, ow, owwwwww, owwww, ow, ow, owwwwww, ow, ow, ow!!!!
JAMES
Come on, man. Don’t scare me like that. Not cool.
CHRIS
You shot me!
JOSH
(Rushing to rescue CHRIS) Put your hands up!
JAMES
(To Chris) Are you gonna put your hands up?
JOSH
(To James) I’m talking to you.
JAMES
He’s the guy who goes around scaring people!
JOSH
You shot him!
CHRIS
Hey, don’t mind me, just sitting here with a gunshot wound.
ALEX
Hold on! I’m searching gunshot wound on WebMD.
JOSH
I thought that was for colds.
ALEX
Same thing.
CHRIS
What’s it say?
ALEX
I’m sorry, but it says you have cancer.
CHRIS
Why me?
JOSH
That’s obviously not..
(CANNAN enters, with a gun pointed at all of them.)
CANNAN
Hands up!
JOSH
Ah crap.
(They all put their hands up)
CANNAN
Now listen, I’m Cannan, and I’m in charge now.
CHRIS
Wait, I’m sorry. Your name is Caden?
CANNAN
No, it’s Cannan.
JAMES
Yeah, Caden.
CANNAN
Cannan.
ALEX
Catan?
JAMES
No, I think it’s Cannon.
JOSH
That’s way off. It’s Cannuun.
CHRIS
Catlyn?
CANNAN
Cannan!
JOSH
Cannon.
CANNAN
It has three Ns.
CHRIS
Nanan?
(3 zombies enter. James sees them and begins backing away, but Alex is on his phone and doesn’t notice.)
CANNAN
Zombies!
ALEX
Hold on. Let me finish this text.
(The ZOMBIES grab Alex SR as another zombie enters from SL. They begin to attack and eat ALEX.)
ALEX
(On her phone) Hashtag being eaten, hashtag not a fan, hashtag dead life, selfie!
(The ZOMBIES stop eating ALEX to smile for the picture then pull Alex off-stage right.)
(CANNON crosses to shoot the ZOMBIE that has entered stage left, heading toward the group.)
CANNAN
Keep your hands up! I’ll take care of this zombie!
JOSH
You have to shoot it in the head! (Cannan shoots the zombie in the shoulder.) Not the shoulder, the head! (Cannan shoots the zombie in the leg.) The head! (Cannan shoots the zombie in the chest.) Are you even aiming for the head? (Cannan starts shooting rapidly but all of the shots miss the head and after every shot Josh says “The head!”)
Cannan
I’m almost out of ammo!
JOSH
Give me the gun! (Josh grabs the gun, but Cannan won’t let go.) Come on, let go, let go! LET IT GO!!!
CHRIS AND JAMES
(Singing) Let it go! Let it go!
JOSH
Shut up!
(The shot-up zombie begins dragging Cannan off-stage left. Cannan drops the gun.)
CHRIS
Bye, Caden.
CANNAN
It’s Cannan!
(ZOMBIES enter from all directions, surrounding the survivors. JAMES picks up his gun, backing away from the ZOMBIES, but trips over Chris, is startled, shooting him in the other leg.)
CHRIS
Ow! Out of all the people you could shoot!
JAMES
I’m sorry!
(JAMES, CHRIS and JOSH are surrounded by the ZOMBIES.)
CHRIS
Well at least we’re dying together.
JAMES
No! There has to be a way out of this!
CHRIS
Give me your guns. I’ll hold them off. I can’t walk anyways!
JAMES
Wonder how that happened?
JOSH
Ok, let’s go before the zombies catch us. We’ve got to get out of here! (points to ZOMBIE GIRL) Hey look, Chris! Isn’t that Debbie, the girl you liked?
CHRIS
Oh no! She can’t see me like this! (brings hand toward mouth as though talking into a spy watch) RED FLAG, RED FLAG, ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! TAKE ME WITH YOU!
JOSH
What happened to all that ultimate sacrifice crap?
CHRIS
She’s really cute!
JOSH
She’s a zombie!
CHRIS
Still cute though.
JAMES
Josh, let’s just drag him. These zombies are really slow.
JOSH
We’re leaving!
CHRIS
No, you’re not. (Shoots James in the leg. James screams.)
JAMES
Why did you shoot me?! I was gonna save you!
JOSH
It’s because bros don’t shoot bros.
JAMES
Now all the zombies are tripping. It makes me wonder how all these people were even bitten.
JOSH
I’m leaving!
CHRIS
No, you’re not. (ZOMBIE GIRL tries to bite him. He holds her off with his arms.) Help me!
JOSH
Sorry you’re on your own.
JAMES
No you don’t! (grabs the gun and shoots Josh in the leg.)
CHRIS
Josh, I can’t believe you’re gonna leave me.
JOSH
Just let it go.
(JAMES and CHRIS begin singing LET IT GO as the ZOMBIES grab Chris and James. As the ZOMBIES begin eating them they both let out a long and blood curdling scream. Lights fade to black as the ZOMBIES begin to sing LET IT GO)